Saturday, 28 June 2014


British Values

there is a lot of hullabaloo about british values and how they can be nurtured. being an asian-indian, i look at these debates with loads of amusement. the way things are in united kingdom today, british values are of no use. i feel the brits have lost it and they are left with just lamentation for the past. it's no use wasting time over it. 

still, i imagined myself to be an average white englishman (blue-collar) and tried to summarise the british values. hope you appreciate the englishman's honesty. 

british ways and values are: 
fish and chips 
(delightfully tasteless by silly indian standards. but no one admits) 
butter chicken and curry
 (nothing indian about them. it's now a british heritage) 
 (was it 1966 world cup? and after that? england never lifted the cup? not even scotland? not even wales? english premier league is great place for foreign players? holy pig!) 
english language
 (oh my god... so many south asians. what's britain's language then? swahili? holy turkey!) 
love for understatement
 (we won't apologise even if we are sorry about the 1919 jalianwalabagh massacre in india) 
rule of law
 (british summer riots. they are like our annual national festival to celebrate british sobriety) 
pride of iraq invasion 
(so what there was no wmd? we created terrorists there) 
social integration versus multiculturalism 
(it was like trying to mix oil with water. it didn't work. so we left london's brick lane as it is, full of south asian fish stink) 
liberal society
 (oh those cheap east europeans! hail ukip and nigel farage! oh those indian doctors at hospitals... damn!) 
(hate those people for living off on tax payers' money. but as you know, british queen can do no wrong! baby george is cute!) 
freedom of speech
 (tap every phone and hack all the computers. we follow the americans) 
lovely english countryside homes
 (let's rent them out to those bollywood couch bosses) 
legacy of sir winston churchill
 (he must be satisfied in his grave. bbc is still there. so are the tories. and the commonwealth. we still celebrate d-day. but what the hell is this euro crap? and how dare scotland talk about independence? send them a missive through the royal mail. so what stakes have been sold of that british institution?) 
let's protect pound-sterling
 (get in the rich indians, honour them with knighthood and create jobs for british lads. brits ruled india. shared history and blah blah. keep europeans away at any cost) 
our universities
 (anyone can pay up and get in now. we have made education easy for all. quality be damned for greater good) 
british airways (there's a strike again there? what is it now? staff want free beer?) 
sherlock holmes 
(holmes? isn't he sherlock cumberbatch? or downey something?) 
god save the queen
 (that sounds familiar. british empire is dead but we still sing about sending her victorious and all that. hope lady gaga sings it at barack obama's farewell party)